Email spam and content filters to blame

Thursday May 27, 2005 - Posted 12:30 AM EDT (1630 GMT) - Brad Watkins, Editor

Beverly Hills, Ca - Rumors have been flying that LFP Video is in disarray. Dave Macabe of LFP's IT department contacted us to quell these fears and explain the situation. "Emails both to and from producers, directors, talent, ect., have not been reaching their intended recipients. This had led to widespread confusion regarding the state of the company", said Macabe.

"We've traced the problem to custom spam and content filtering software running on our servers. As a major corporation we have strict guidelines and Human Resources has made it clear, adult material will not be tolerated in the workplace."

Terms directly linked to pornography such as "Larry", "Flynt", "Hustler", "beaver", and over 250 other explicit terms cause emails to be rejected by LFP's computers. (Emails containing "VCA" do get through however.)

"Our production department has given directors and producers some tips on communicating with the team here. For example, weeks passed while Jon Dough anxiously awaited a response on his treatment for Cream Filled Ass Pies #2. His message never got through," stated Macabe.

Dough naturally assumed he had been relieved of his VCA directing duties. "About a month after the initial emails were sent, I was contacted by someone in the LFP IT department. Apparently they had been going through their spam folders and came across my letters. They were very helpful and suggested titling my email, Liquid Filled Rectum Pastries #2. Problem solved."

"Our custom software is very sophisticated", a proud Macabe commented. "Van Styles was having no luck sending Mark Kramer (LFP Producer) his upcoming budgets. We even made sure all of the words contained in the emails could be found in Webster's dictionary. Eventually the problem was traced to a line item for craft service, $69. Van got approval to raise the budget to $70 and BAM!"

LFP Video will be releasing a 14 page booklet (prepared by Paul Cambria, noted first amendment attorney, and LFP's Human Resource Department) outlining proper communication with the industry giant. "We hope to have a PDF version posted on HustlerVideo.com as early as next week", said Macabe. In the meantime, directors are encouraged to use common sense when communicating with the company electronically.

"Listen, if you're pitching Ball Draining Blowjobs #23 to LFP Broadcast it ain't gonna get through my servers," voiced an emphatic Macabe. "On the other hand, Testicle Exhausting Fellatio #23 is perfectly acceptable."

At least one industry veteran is encouraged by this news. "I thought ole Larry was avoiding me all these years", said Max Hardcore, regarding emails sent to Larry Flynt, expressing a desire to direct for Hustler. "Turns out it was just those damn computers. I'm writing him as we speak to reintroduce myself, this time as Max H."

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