Kurt Lockwood, “I'm Starting To Think A Lot Of These Porn Directors Are A Bunch Of Homos!”

- The following is merely parody. It was NOT written by adult male performer Kurt Lockwood. Also, as hundreds of female adult performers can attest, Kurt Lockwood is NOT gay.

The staff at PornOHs has nothing against homosexuality.

“I have no doubt directors are hiring their little butt buddies as crew members” - Kurt Lockwood

Thursday October 13, 2005 Posted 7:13 AM EDT (1113 GMT)

Woodland Hills, Ca - What’s up loyal readers? I’m writing you from my digs up here in the Hollywood Hills. Damn, I’m really living the dream, I mean, there is a god damn castle not too far off in the distance. Not a real castle, but like a castle house or something. Pretty fuckin’ cool!

Anyway, things have been going pretty good for ole’ Lockwood. I’ve been really busy with my band, Not The Ramones. I’m trying to organize a benefit concert in Pakistan for victims of the earthquake.

Sadly, between work and the band I’ve been really slow in answering fan mail, but I promise to get to each and every one of them. On that note, I’ve been getting a lot more requests for personalized pictures. It seems a lot of you want me to write your name on my hard cock and then take a Polaroid.

That’s fine, but don’t expect me to include last names. For example, there is no way “8 hard inches for you Fred Longenburger” is going to fit. Sorry, but “Fred” will just have to do.

With that out of the way let me tell you about something else that has really been bothering me. I’m starting to think a lot of these porn directors are a bunch of homos!

Last week I was shooting a boy/girl scene for Smash Pictures. I had the chick in my patented “Reverse Lockwood Monkey Pile Driver” position. Next thing I know the director is right up on my balls with the camera, trying to get a super close-up.

Then he yelled “Cut!” and complained my sac was hanging down and blocking the light. I suggested he cup my balls with one hand to keep them out of the shot and hold the camera with the other. He just looked at me funny and told me to do it myself. What a fuckin’ fag, he probably got off on watching me touch my own balls!

It gets worse. A lot of directors want to get up behind me and shoot over my shoulder for point of view BJ shots and stuff. I know what they are going for but that is no excuse to start rubbing up against my sweaty buttocks, accidental or not.

I’ve resorted to clenching my butt cheeks really tight together and thrusting backwards into their pelvic area, hoping they’ll get the hint, but no, even that doesn't get them to back off. What a bunch of flamers!

I swear, a lot of these porn sets are loaded with fags. I have no doubt directors are hiring all their little butt buddies as crew members.

Check this out. I was shooting for Defiance and the director wanted me to hold the camera so I could shoot some POV. No problem I thought. A couple of minutes into the scene I needed lube so I called the PA over.

The idiot tries to hand it to me while I’m holding the camera. I was like, hey jackass, a little help here. Just rub some on real quick, I don’t want to get it all over my hands while I’m shooting.

Simple enough right? Well, this fruitcake really went to town! He used both hands to massage the lube all over my erect, throbbing, turgid member, which I understood because we were pressed for time, but then he went too far. He started massaging the lube onto my engorged balls. What a faggot!

At no time do I recall asking this homo for a handjob. Keep it professional for Christ sake.

I’ll be the first to admit sometimes I bring this shit onto myself. A few weeks ago me and some buds were chillin’ by the pool, pounding some Schmitt’s. Before I knew it I had a nasty tan line from my Speedo and I had a shoot the next day! God damn it I thought.

So, on the way to the set I picked up some tanning bronzer. Even using a mirror I was having trouble blending the color evenly across my taught buttocks. Reluctantly I asked one of the PA’s for help. He did a good job on both ass cheeks but you could still see some pale skin in my crack.

I bent over and told him to touch up my taint a little. Next thing I know this fag is just dumping it on. Fuck, I looked like Mr. Marcus back there. He knew it looked like shit too but he didn’t care, any excuse to fondle my nads. What a homo!

If this stuff keeps happening I swear, I’ll ram my hard cock up every last one of these faggot’s asses to set them straight. Maybe then these butt pirates will learn to act professional!

- KL

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