New 2257 Regulations, How They Will Impact Consumers

Big changes in store for consumers with large video collections

Friday, June 3, 2005 Posted 10:28 AM EDT (1428 GMT) - Brad Watkins, Editor

Chatsworth, Ca - If you’re anything like me, your 2257 documents are scattered in piles all over the house. I mean, let’s face it, I’m just a consumer, why should I worry about the new regulations? Honestly, up until a few weeks ago, I thought 2257 was an old TV show with that chick who played the maid on the Jefferson’s.

Anyhoo, for shits and giggles, I decided to browse through the updated statute and see what the hell all the fuss is about. So I’m reading, hmm, no big deal, not my problem, ahh, sucks for the web guys, no big deal, who cares, and then I get to Section 86.5-9. Uh oh.

“Any consumer with a collection of pornographic DVD’s, videotapes, or CDrom based media, exceeding 150 individual titles, is considered a threat to distribute and therefore will be classified as a secondary producer, (75.1-2) subject to all regulations set forth in 18 U.S.C 2257.”

”Threat to distribute?“ Come on, I mean, that’s like gettin pulled over with 5 or 6 pounds of weed in the trunk and then the cops trump-up some charges about “intent to distribute.” Give me a break.

Jesus Christ though, I have at least 400 pornos in my collection, so I immediately called Paul Cambria’s office for some clarification. I was on hold for about 45 minutes but finally spoke to Mandy, some paralegal chick there, she sounded pretty sexy.

She assured me they are setting up a hotline to address people’s 2257 concerns and that some free speech dudes are gonna fight this bullshit. Hey, that’s great and all, but a lot of good that does me if the Feds bust down my door tomorrow.

Don’t get me wrong, Larry Flynt is a great American, but I know lots of guys willing to take a bullet, just to keep their Evil Angel or Zero Tolerance DVD’s. Hell, I’m not that dedicated, but I’d get shocked with a taser, or take a swift kick in the nuts, if it meant I could keep my Pleasure Time 8 hour comps.

I decided to do some digging on my own, a.k.a Google search, and I found a site called 2257andYou.org. There was a section on there about how the new rules affect regular guys like you and me.

You won’t believe this shit. Basically, under the new regs I need to have my OWN Custodian of Records. What the hell?

As far as I can tell, according to the DOJ, I have three options:

1. I can act as my own Custodian of Records, but, only if I’m home from 9-5, Monday through Friday, forever, just in case the Feds come knocking. (That’s impossible, unless I can switch to the night shift.)

2. I can take my entire porn collection and associated documents to my place of employment and register the address, that way the DOJ can conduct an inspection there. (Dude, no way is TGI Friday’s gonna let me bring all that shit to work, even if they did, I know half the scumbags there would rip me off.)

3. I’ll have to hire my own Custodian of Records who can live at my place full time.

Wow, looks like I’ll have to go with 3 I thought, so I went on Craig’s list and searched for starving law students looking for cheap rent. (BTW, I also found some porn chick on there who will suck my dick for $50, BOOKMARKED!)

I was hoping to find a hot babe who needed a place but I ended up with Jonathan David, a pre-law student over at CSUN.

“The only thing sloppier than Brad’s apartment was his record keeping. I told him, there is no way the Feds are going to accept a Blockbuster card, or even a Costco Club photo ID, as proof of age. I’ve been going through his stuff for a couple of weeks and I’m not even 50% done, it’s impossible to concentrate around here,” said David.

When my old frat buddies come over they love to mess with Jon. I feel kinda bad actually. After a few brews they start throwing empty cans and Cheetos at him and then say stuff like, “Hey freak, you’re a custodian right, clean dat shit up! HAHAHA.”

“When they’ve been drinkin for a while they always want to go through the 2257 documents. At like 3 am they start calling up porn chicks, using the confidential info, to see if they’ll come over so they can, “verify their idenTITTIES.”

“It just means I have to spend most of the following day getting everything back in order. I swear, half the time I feel like the Custodian of Retards around this place,” said a frustrated Jonathan.

Things got off to a rough start, Jon and I are definitely an “odd couple”, but now I think we’ve come to respect each other. Even my friends have stopped fuckin with him. They were super impressed when he used some legal mumbo jumbo on Taylor Rain, and convinced her we needed to check her ID, at like 4 in the morning.

I even take him with me when I go to Hustler Hollywood to shop for new DVD’s. It helps having him there, he can double check all the documents in the store, before we get home. I think they are stealing my idea though, because I noticed they are constructing a “2257 Info Kiosk”, I guess to give buyers on the spot legal advice before they make any purchases.

So maybe this new 2257 world isn’t so bad after all. You might end up making a new friend, and worst case, you’ll have a cleaner apartment. Jonathan has a lot of free time while he waits for the Feds to kick down the door, seize all my porn, and take him to jail. My sock drawer has never been tidier!

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